Our Children Are Our Mirrors!

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Our Children Are Our Mirrors!

I have two sons who have just begun a new school year this week.

It's a familiar routine to us all that I drive them the distance to school in the morning ...and it's a familiar feeling to me that as I watch them walk towards school my heart expands and overflows with such love and pride to see the confidence and happiness of belonging in their step. I treasure these early morning moments - the secret peeks where you can adore your fill without recriminations of embarrassment from your teens. As I watch my sons walk so steadily these days, it is not far from my mind that we have journeyed an incredible way to reach this point together, and that their functionality in school and with every facet of their lives truly has been an unfoldment process which began the day they were born.

What also comes to mind is how much I owe my sons for being the mirror for me that I was not willing to see. The raw courage and heart of every single child on Earth cannot be put into words. It is easy to see the courage of those who are born in countries to undernourishment and so very easy to see this in those who are born to physical abuse. But how about those who are diagnosed with ADHD, Hyperactivity or LD and who may very well spend their entire school lives in some state of agonizing frustration? How about the many more who are borderline ? There has been an ever increasing percentage of children diagnosed each year with ADHD , Hyperactivity, ADD, and LD to name only a few. The labeling seems to have far outpaced the methods and understanding for helping our children learn constructive methods to celebrate who they are. For myself , as a holistic practitioner, this is not at all surprising since the very best tools for this may well come from the realm that is known as subtle energy. Not only that, but as I had learned from my sons, the only true way to help our children is to fully recognize the mirror of us they are very likely holding up. In other words, if your child is borderline hyperactive, or has ADHD, then you must understand that this means *you* have hyperactivity or ADD related sensitivity as well. This is perhaps the very reason why the latest research indicates that the strongest variable for ADD incidence comes from genetic inheritance and not from too much sugar, salt or any other environmental factors. Sensitive children come from sensitive parents and sensitive ancestry. It is a gift that all too often ends up being seen as a curse. As a society we need to understand and nurture the truest meaning of being "sensitive" . Being exquisitely able in sensory is the birthright of every human being on Earth. It is far above simply gut instinct or intuition. When we have children, we are given a perspective of this sensitivity from an exciting new vantage point - hopefully one we can understand this time around as we never did when we were children ourselves. As with many wondrous facets of life though, this can start off looking like a major challenge.

The birth of my first son was a wondrous happening! Very quickly, however, the general thrill wore off entirely as I saw my life take a 360 degree turn from what it had been as a full time marketing analyst. Oh sure, I know....new parents always have some major adjustments to make but ours seemed rather extreme. It really was only when I had joined a Mom's group and could see how other children were reacting and playing that I began to realize that my son was not like many other children. While others would all be playing contentedly with the toys in a group, my son would be crawling to the far reaches of the house, pulling up floor vents. He was always in need of stimulation, and couldn't shift at all successfully from one activity to another. He needed very little sleep and fought being in his crib until 18 months when he could get out of it successfully. About the only place we ever had peace with him was in his car seat. One glorious day I ran across a book called "The Difficult Child" by Dr. Stanley Turecki. The focus of this wonderful book is about children who are ultra sensitive, and this was the first time I'd ever heard about such a phenomenon. When I was able to validate my relationship with my son through this book I truly broke down and wept upon taking the test in the book to determine where one's child might be within the levels of sensitivity and finding my son was , in the books' terminology, a "mother-killer" . My son had all the earmarks of this, the most difficult child. After weeping out of sheer gratitude for validation, I then went through a period of anger at having been given this child. Why me??

Of course, now I realize that my son was the most precious gift I could ever have been given and that we literally saved each other's lives. Yes, it is so very true...he saved my life. Not by stopping me from getting hit by a careening car or other disaster but by being as difficult for me as I was being Strong. I was quite certain that I could handle this, even though my son required - literally - every waking moment of my life in order to be safe and happy. And he *was* both safe and happy, as long as I gave my life and personal boundary over to this task . I was creative in my own right and I think this is why we muddled through and I didn't end up going for professional assistance. I simply invented a hundred ways to make tupperware lids captivating and I held him and played with him and held him. What he really required? Was for me to bat my Ego down about one hundred times per day so that I might use my senses to raise him without breaking his spirit (and such spirit and creativity he has!). As validating as Dr. Turecki's book was for me, it fell far short of actually teaching me how exactly to wend my way through the minute by minute by hour by hour days on end. I tried to go back to work part time but found that my son was too difficult for a non-parent to live through and thus began my stay at home life. Truly this was one of the most intense challenges I had ever faced, to work so very hard and to be thought of as "only" a stay at home Mom. My ego was hit decisively over and over again when I became a full time mom and homemaker. This, as it turns out, was a very necessary ingredient of my personal growth - I was testing my resolve to stick with it , which I did , because it felt like the correct way for me , even though my brain was screaming at me to go back to a formal type of work (to end the level of challenge I was feeling more than anything, I have realized. )

My answer was to keep stepping up my own creativity and methods as my heart insisted. I threw away the child rearing books and reinvented our relationship out of sheer heart. I was unconvinced, for example, that letting my son cry in agony for 45 minutes in an attempt to teach him time-outs was really all that effective given that I could sense his frustration and utter Need underneath his tears. That was the crux - I sensed he wasn't doing anything out of spoiled spite or manipulations as such even though he was extremely intelligent. He honestly felt some need / frustration and couldn't verbalize it. I couldn't understand it either. I was learning, however, to work by my *senses*. This was territory only my heart could wade through and I learned the most invaluable lesson of all: to break out of the boxes and to work strictly from intuition and heart. This was what propelled me to take my son into my arms sometimes at about dinner time so he would scream and try to get away from communicating with me properly. I did this because he would build up to an incredible inner frustration level and simply break down. I was already the most consistent parent I knew and yet even still the dilemma was this: Total Break Down. The only way I found to release this subtle build-up within him was to hug him and let him work the raw frustration out of his system. I would begin by asking that he look me in the eye so we could really talk about whatever infraction he'd just done, and he would not wish to. Thus began our "medicinal hugs". We did this often throughout the first 4 years of his life. I wasn't sure why this worked, I only knew it was what he needed to settle back into a normal pace for the rest of the evening. I only knew that to "apply discipline" in the standard ways would have been so wrong for us. I strongly sensed that my husband and I were the magic ingredient necessary in any type of discipline for our son. This meant that we BE PRESENT, with him, during those times we were setting boundaries. That is really why I went to the hug routine (and other routines) , choosing not to just put him in his room, close the door and let him scream it out while I went far away. It would not have been correct and my heart knew it. It was downright uncomfortable oftentimes to be so present with him and yet this Presence was what allowed me to truly and clearly see that my son was mirroring to me my needs. That is why we needed to be present. We were the largest reason why he was feeling this inner frustration build up , leading to his actions. I used to think that I had hard days because my son was difficult. Now I know that my son was difficult because I had hard days. Hard days in the form of deep seated frustrations, self esteem issues , distorted ancestral patterns, and wounded heart energy. All of this was invisible to me until my sons came along to blatantly show me. The toughest part was for my husband and I was to own up to this and to be present enough to see it clearly. Ease within us, is ease to our children, automatically. We are much better parents when we are standing next to our children in a well grounded position. I have yet to see any exceptions. And if our children are experienceing one trauma after another, we must stop to first and foremost look deeper at our own lives to see what our children may be picking up on from us at a less visible level. For sure, they are picking up on our every distressed energy dynamic. They are attuned so exquisitely closely to us from the moment they arrive in this world - it is natural that if you are totally dependent upon someone for your survival that you will be utterly and completely attuned to your caregiver's presence. Our full presence absolutely includes our emotional layer, our empathic layer and our spiritual layer to name a few.

This all brought up to me a clear need to release all the trauma I'd held from my own bevy of what I realized now were a multitude of "sense-less disciplines". We were many of us brought up to "get what we deserve..." and this meant rigidly constructed punishments when what we needed most was understanding against all reason (but within boundaries). We needed for our frustration that we couldn't voice to be validated. Not that dishonoring someone or something be allowed , only that it not be on such an automatic discipline regime that our deeper frustrations were not ever broached or validated in the least. Not an asking of why in the deeper sense when misdeeds are enacted. Instead, infractions were looked at merely on the surface and then given surface solutions, leaving huge layers of ourselves feeling desperately unnurtured. These layers are sometimes called the inner child, or sometimes called our spiritual layers. Both speak of these deeper aspects of ourselves that are so vulnerable and needing of validation and support. This is sense-less in that there is no attunement of any real merit - no real sensing - to try to uncover what the experiences might be pointing towards. If we don't look, we will likely never see.

The word deserve is an incredibly powerful word - one that I view as a portal word or a specific vibrational signature that stirs up a vortex of power ready to be applied to whatever intentions come with it. What I have seen in my life and energywork , though, is that many of us have a huge weight sitting on top of this word such that we can't use it freely. We don't truly own any word we have a burden with. This is as serious a hindrance as would be your ability to write if I were to place a heavy book on your hand while you were trying to move it and form words. The weight we may have on "deserve" and "discipline" etc all goes into how we in turn pass on these very energy signatures to our to our own children. Discipline is another great energy signature , another portal word that can open our journey incredibly and take us anywhere. But not if it's weighted down. Then discipline becomes very negatively perceived , usually meaning a force or enforcement of some kind "which regrettably must " be used. The courage of our children is such that they will show us on the surface - aka in our day to day lives together - that they are sensing burdens. By being willfully disobedient. Oppositional, even. What I'd learned was that this was a call for some boundary setting. Theirs... and MINE. They would alert me that I needed to look within myself and work on releasing burdens. Often when I freed this for myself, their behaviors changed , like magic. No threats or force were then necessary at all. And we could talk rationally about honoring other's and their property and how they could make efforts to correct/replace this along with apology.

I had to take off my own burdens (weight) sitting on those key words and my children - by their toughness - were pointing at were these burdens were *exactly*. I just needed to trust THEM more and tune into ME more. My willingness to take a look at myself released these burdens and I regained a beautiful flow to provide personal boundaries for myself and kids in a healthy and constructive way.

I see this as a societal or Masse scenario that we are now awakening to, in fact , and I feel this is perhaps one of the most vital of assignments for each parent to journey for our children. (This also gives us back the honor, peace and deep love for our own parents that we may have been struggling with.) I tried other, less ear-splitting , methods to release this build-up my son accrued each day when he was small, such as giving him huge amounts of physical exercise. What I found was that nothing worked like being present with him and trusting his discomfort was mine too. As he got older and was too big for my lap mentally and physically we moved to arm, floor, and foot wrestling. Often at about the age of 5 children can go through a total shifting and miracle of miracles so did my eldest son. More even-keeled from day to day, just in time for school!

He was still sensitive, and yet there was now more leeway to give us a comfort zone we both had badly needed. This allowed me then to truly see noticeable differences in his behavior from day to day. I began to realize that there was "something going on" and I strove to find it. The place that I found this "something" was in my work with the subtle energy field , or that which interweaves our Body, Mind and Spirit. It was also in understanding that there is such a direct energy flow relationship between parent and child - much more so than I had ever imagined. Thus, when I followed my heart to work outside the boxes of standard child-rearing , I was really in fact working at finally nurturing my own high sensitivity levels. My sons were mirroring to me every step of my unfoldment journey with their increased comfort and success in school/life situations. Do they have their own issues to resolve and experiences to journey? Of course, but I have definitely found that as I learned to calm and center myself, so did this allow for them to remain much more centered. My oldest son has been very solid for many years now and had caught on years ago to the meaning and benefits behind the "loving friction" principle. There is about one day each year he quite consciously will turn to this method, so in effect he is assessing his own flows and providing the solution before I can sense it!

I also have realized through the years that we all were feeling globally intensive days simultaneously...so that if I could remain centered then I could extend this in turn to my sons (and husband). This is the main reason that when I work on those with ADHD or *anyone*, I may also work on their entire family web to some degree or another. I have found importance even to smooth and work upon the earth energy itself of where the child is living and studying. Energy levels are constantly shifting and flowing , presenting us with much the same type of effect as a moving kaleidascope. We do sense these shifts throughout the day, throughout the month (via the full moon, new moon etc) and each season as well. Our children tend to express this sensitivity more clearly and those with borderline to diagnosed ADD are, I have found, critically aware of and moved by the daily energy flow kaleidascope. This daily shifting is the main reason that I provide a "quick daily reference" on the main page of my web site, to give some clues as to the type of day we may be globally experiencing.

Each Child Unique! While it was with my older son that I experienced preschool stress, it was my younger son who picked up the slack as school years began. He was quite like any other youngster right up until it came time for the school system. His kindergarten teacher described him as "an absent-minded professor" since he was clearly gifted with brain-function and yet could also be so utterly disattentive and unorganized at the same time. My shock, though, was to come with his entrance test to first grade where I was told "...only the non-english speaking students did worse." If I had been in doubt that my oldest son's early years had anything to do with me, I couldn't deny this! It was a direct throwback to my own early school life where I too had miserably failed my school entrance exam. I was placed in the group for those who were "slower" because of my test and my extreme shyness. This was basically the same type of scenario playing out for my son although the system was now more upbeat in the ways that "learning disabilities" were handled. I found , though, that there was a major lack of true understanding on how to go about easing my son into the school system without extinguishing vital parts of his Spirit in the process. I decided , again based on my heart, to take on the challenge of his success in school no matter where it lead.

This has been a luminescent unfolding into energyflow research and a foray to reopen many flow blockages for my son as needed. It has meant capitalizing on his spatial strengths and in his early school years it sometimes meant handing him a big wad of play dough so his hands could "fidget" and his brain could get down to the business of learning to read. It has meant careful buffering between he and his teachers , and perhaps a visit to some so as to let them know that certain fear-based behaviors they liked to use as "positive reinforcement" could not be used on my son. I realized that 35 years ago I'd had the very same tactics used on me and how that must have eroded my already low confidence. I also understood fully now that this was done with good intentions yet was perceived and hit the mark in an opposite way instead! At such times, I longed to tell the teachers about energyflow and the remarkable sensitivity of the children they were teaching but could not create any true openings for this. I only knew that when my son couldn't do a simple math problem to save his life and I would reopen the energyflow between his Head and Sacral chakra that it was like I'd turned on the light switch for him. Each and every time. Far more than mere coincidence would have it.

I have noted that the boys he has befriended over the years of elementary school were many of them students that had been held back a grade ( a disproportionately high percentage in fact) ...and that each of those boys were also what I would call "extremely sensitive". I only knew that I could palpably sense the frustration of the "class troublemaker" and that his hitting and other actions came at times when he was very stressed and attempting to regain some semblance of balance. I knew through my volunteer work at the school that on globally intense days the children throughout school would be more restless and less manageable and the teachers less able to cope. And I knew that with some understanding of energyflow such times could be worked with instead of forced against. Perhaps this begins with we, the parents. We need to understand how to celebrate our beautiful sensitivity as humans be-ing so that we can help our children do this as well. We need to understand how to nourish our own inner child. Perhaps most of all we need to know that they are our mirrors and that our children rescue us every bit as much as we may rescue them. By acknowledging and learning to work with our sensitivity to subtle energy flows we may all gain the happily ever after that is the trademark of all rescue stories.

The Beginning...

30 Aug 2003

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